


Dreams in the Dark

by Fidemdormiens



Series: Lyrium and the Lost [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Relationship(s), Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 10:39:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9816212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fidemdormiens/pseuds/Fidemdormiens
Summary: The lyrium withdrawal is taking its toll on Cullen. He's plagued by nightmares, forced to relive the horrors of his past. When the Inquisitor comes to him one night he wants nothing more than to accept her help but he cannot. The broken man that he is doesn't deserve someone like her. Or so he tells himself.Pretty much angst and fluff til the end where it gets NSFW.





	

Rin lay tossing and turning under covers that suddenly felt heavy and oppressive. Thoughts chased one another through her mind, relentlessly pulling her back from sleep. There was too much to do and too many people were relying on her. The air in her chamber was thick and still and she could bear it no longer. Throwing off the blankets, she slipped out of bed and dressed in a simple tunic and leggings. It would not do for anyone to see the Inquisitor in her night clothes, she thought wryly. Pulling on boots and a jacket, she slipped out of her quarters and passed quietly through the empty hallways of Skyhold. The main hall was eery in the darkness, the few lit candles sending shadows to dance across the walls. Her footsteps echoed loudly off the stone floor as she made her way out onto the battlements. 

A cool wind brushed against her skin and she felt better almost immediately. Leaning against the stone, firm and reassuring under her hands. She closed her eyes, taking long, slow breaths of fresh air and tried to empty her mind. That was something she loved about Skyhold, it was so solid, so real and yet so wild. Stepping outside could almost always ground her when everything felt as though it was slipping through her fingers. Tonight though, even the sharp breeze wasn't enough to clear her head. Still restless and out of sorts, she pushed herself away from the rough wall and began to pace.

A nearby guard, startled by her presence, snapped to attention as she passed.  
"Inquisitor!"  
"At ease guardsman." His face was not one she recognised, one of Cullen's new recruits most likely. "What's your name, soldier?"  
"Marcus. Ma'am."  
"All quiet tonight, I presume, Marcus?"  
"Yes, Ma'am." He looked uncertain for a moment, "Ma'am... Inquisitor... Is everything alright? Do you need something?"  
"No, no. Nothing at all. Have a good night, guardsman." With a nod she let him go, clearly uncomfortable to be talking with her in the middle of the night. 

She walked along for a little while longer, letting her awareness spread outwards. Listening to the quiet creaks and rustles of the sleeping castle beneath her. The rattle of armour as a guard somewhere adjusted their position. The distant howl of a wolf and the brush of an owl’s wings through the air. Snow falling gently from tree branches. All was quiet and peaceful, as it should be. She let out a gentle sigh and then tensed abruptly. At the edge of her hearing she thought she had heard someone cry out. Nerves on edge, she stepped closer to where the sound had seemed to come from. For what felt like years she stood perfectly still, straining to hear anything more. She had almost convinced herself that it had been a figment of her overwrought imagination when it came again, a quiet cry of terror. Moving forward, faster this time, she realised that it had come from the direction of Cullen's tower. Edging towards the door, her back pressed against the wall, she looked around for any guards to call to her aid. The walls around her remained empty, the patrols must have been at the other side of the keep. 

We're safe here, she thought. No one could have gotten into the castle unnoticed. Skyhold had to still be safe, they could not lose it now. Even as that hope crossed her thoughts, a groan of pain came from within the tower. Fear knotted her stomach, "Cullen..."  
That had been his voice. Back still against the wall she gently pushed the door open an inch. Listening at the crack she could hear no sounds of struggle, but the echoes of Cullen's fear hung in her ears. Fire smouldering at the tips of her fingers she slipped through the gap in the door, eyes searching the deep shadows in the room for any sign of danger. 

Everything looked as it should. The maps and papers on Cullen's desk appeared undisturbed and his books stood neat and familiar on their shelves. Slowly she crept across the floor to the ladder, ears pricked for any unexpected noise. Nothing seemed out of place. Images of assassins slipped through her mind, Cullen lying dead in the night whilst Skyhold slept. The ice in her stomach spread further as she gripped the rungs of the ladder. Afraid the muffled thud of her feet against wood could betray her, she moved with painstaking slowness, one step at a time. Then as she neared the top, a strangled noise came from the loft, cutting through her like a knife. 

"Cullen!" Rin cried, flying up the last of the ladder and rolling into a crouch, magic crackling around her as she searched for an assailant. Instead, all she found was Cullen, sheets twisted around him in his bed. Breath coming in short sharp pants, his face contorted in pain as he slept. "Oh Cullen..." she breathed, thinking back to their earlier conversation, when she had convinced him not to go back to the lyrium. The fear had been clear in his eyes then as he'd told her of his nightmares but she had not realised how much it was hurting him. 

"Please, please, stop! I can't... Please!" His voice was hoarse and he thrashed under the sheets as if trying to fight his way out of them. 

Without thinking she went to him, kneeling by the bed, placing a hand against his cheek. He was hot and feverish under her cool skin.  
"Don't let me hurt them! No!" he cried out, twisting under her. She stroked her knuckles gently along his jaw, "Shhh. Cullen. You're safe. It's okay. It's not real any more." Gently pushing sweat dampened curls off of his forehead, she mumered to him, "You're safe now. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."  
At that he started awake, looking up at her, the horror of his dreams sharp in his eyes and the lines of his face. One of her hands was still caught in his hair and he reached up to close it in his own, as if he couldn't quite believe she was real. 

"Inquisitor?" It was little more than a breath. "Inquisitor, you shouldn't be here, I... Ahhh!" He broke off, fingers tightening suddenly on her hand as he clutched the sheets in his other fist.  
"Maker... " He gasped as the pain that wracked his body began to ease. Tears were welling in the corners of his eyes and he fought to keep them back.  
"Please Inquisitor... I don't want you to... Not like this..." His voice broke as he drew in deep shuddering breaths.  
"Cullen... It's okay, you're okay. You're safe." Rin couldn't leave him like this, every gasping breath he took felt like a knife in her heart. She didn't know what he saw in his dreams but she didn't want him to have to face them by himself again tonight. "Budge up," she whispered and settled herself on the bed by his side.  
"Inquisitor... What?"  
"I don't have to be the Inquisitor tonight." She slipped her arm under his shoulder and helped him lay his head against her chest, "Tonight I can just be here." 

They lay like that for a while, Rin's hands running softly through Cullen's hair and moving in circles across his skin. His breathing began to slow and the tension he'd been holding onto began to ease under her fingers. Looking down on him, Rin watched his eyes close gently and she relaxed, glad to have brought some respite. Cassandra had been so certain when she'd reassured her that Cullen could do this that she had just accepted it. She hadn't realised how hard he had been fighting to keep it together out of her sight. 

She had begun to doze off to the slow rise and fall of Cullen's chest under her hands when he started suddenly again. He flew bolt upright, shaking, head turning this way and that as he looked for whatever it was that had come for him in his dream. Rin grabbed his arm,  
"Cullen! It's okay, it's only me here." He turned unseeing eyes to her, "Oh Cullen... You're okay. You're okay."  
"Rin?"  
"I'm here Cullen. I'm still here."  
"Oh…" That small sound shattered her heart even as she pulled him back against her. He sounded little like the man she had watched lead her armies, "Thank you."  
His hands clutched at her tunic as if he feared he would be torn away from her. He turned his head against her chest, hiding his face. She could feel the muscles in his back tighten under her hands as he fought to keep it all in. With a shudder he began to sob. She wrapped her arms around him, stroking his hair and whispering reassuringly against his skin.  
"I don't think I can do this anymore. It hurts too much, Rin. I can't keep reliving this." He stutters through the words, "it's breaking me. It's, I, I think I've broken already."  
"You've not broken Cullen. You're stronger than this. You can get through it. I'm going to make sure of that."  
"I... I don't know anymore."  
"I promise you. Now try to sleep. I'm not going anywhere." 

At that he let out a long breath and lay his head against her again. Rin brushed her fingers over his skin, trying to keep him with her and away from the darkness in his mind. She worked gently at the knots of tension in his back humming a quiet song that she'd heard Sera singing the other day. Slowly he began to ease into sleep again, softening against her, his breathing slow and sure. When she was absolutely certain he wasn't dreaming, her own eyes began to close and she let herself drift away. The weight of him against her leaving her feeling safe as she hadn't in such a long time. It brought back memories of that night after Haven, when he had pulled her from the snow. She remembered falling into his arms as he reached for her. The strong grip of them as he'd carried her back to his tent and the warmth of him as he'd tried to shelter her against his body. Shaking her head she tried to push those thoughts away. Cullen was Cullen. Even if she wanted him, it could never really work. Yet, here he was. 

***  
Disorientated, Rin woke in a bed that was not her own, she reached out for Cullen but the space next to her was empty.  
"Cullen?" She called out quietly but there was no answer from the tower room. Quickly she got up and rearranged her crumpled clothes, climbing down the ladder. The sun was already high in the sky and she suspected that she was late for a meeting in the war room. Why hadn't Cullen woken her? She hoped that last night hadn't crossed a line for him, it had just been her instinct to go to him. Their relationship had had very strict boundaries but there was always a feeling that perhaps there could be more if they let it. Although maybe that was only her hoping. 

As she made her way out of the tower and towards the main hall a scout called out to her.  
"You're wanted in the war room, your Worship."  
Rin nodded her response and hurried in that direction, shaking her head at the honorific. It always made her feel extremely uncomfortable. She slipped into the war room just as Leliana was beginning to report. Nodding for her to continue she took her place at the table, trying to focus on the task at hand. It was one of the worst meetings they'd ever had. Cullen would not look at her, not when she tried to catch his eye across the table or even when he was giving reports. His gaze remained fixed on the wall just above her head and the answers he gave her were short and clipped. After hours of this her nerves were fraying and she was desperate to leave.  
"I think that is all for today, no? Unless anyone else has an issue to raise." Rin could have kissed Josephine at that point.  
"No, I think that's everything. Thank you everyone." She said, trying to herd everyone towards the door.  
"Although, Commander, could I have a word in private for a moment." Perhaps she sounded desperate but she wanted to find out why he'd left so early and if she had upset him.  
Hand on the door handle, he didn't even turn round.  
"Could it wait Inquisitor? I have a lot to do." His tone was clipped and she recoiled back slightly. Cullen never refused to speak with her.  
"I, ah, yes. Of course, Commander." She replied, trying not to let her voice betray her. Without even looking back, he left, letting the door slam behind her.  
"That was odd." Cassandra was looking at her strangely.  
"I'm sure he's just busy." She didn't sound hugely convincing but Cass just nodded distractedly.

***  
She had been on her way to speak to Blackwall in the stables when she'd passed Cullen drilling some of the new recruits. Against her better judgement she had stopped to watch him. It was fascinating seeing him in his element, the sword and shield like an extension of his body. He barked orders, moving amongst the ranks, making subtle corrections. His confidence was obvious and she found herself drawn to him. She had barely spoken to him in weeks and she missed their easy conversations. Their few interactions were as awkward as that morning in the war room had been. She had almost been happy to leave Skyhold to look for Alistair as it gave her an excuse to avoid him. A wedge had been driven between themand she wasn't even sure what it was that had made him so angry. It hadn't bothered her to see him like that, he was only human. Maybe that vulnerability had been too much for him to offer her. Perhaps he couldn't see her as anything but the Inquisitor. That hurt the most. She had begun to see him as a friend, not just as the Commander. 

"He was hurting and you helped."  
Rin spun, startled by the voice. Cole was standing by her side, having slipped up to her in that silent unnerving way of his. She wondered how long he had been there for.  
"Everything was dark and sharp, trying to drown him, all around. No light. Then such beauty. Soft. So soft."  
Cole stopped and turned to look at her quizzically.  
"He's afraid again now. It's different though. Sharp and fresh. Bittersweet."  
What did he mean, was he talking about Cullen?  
"Cole, what do you mean? What is he afraid of? Are those turnips?" She asked, confused by the bundle under his arm. Before she could get anything else from him he was sliding past her and away into the courtyard. Speaking with Cole always left her feeling slightly disconcerted. She shook her head and walked away from the clang of steel. 

***

Restless, Rin paced her room, fed up with the small empty pit that had formed in her stomach. She could not push Cullen from her mind no matter how she tried. She missed all that they had had. Without noticing it, he'd become a big part of her life. She missed his awkward jokes and the way his mouth caught up at one corner as he smiled. Their chess matches and his stubborn competitiveness. Watching the IronBull put the soldiers through ridiculous drills and laughing together when Dorian turned Solas bright red with his wicked comments. They had become something akin to friends in their time at Skyhold and his sudden withdrawal hurt her badly. If she could go back in time she would undo that night and close the rift that it had formed between them. 

Cole’s words still puzzled her.  
"He is afraid."  
Was he afraid of her? Her magic? His icy attitude could be explained by that. Or of the nightmares? Perhaps he was afraid she would share what she had seen that night. Although it wasn't as if his lyrium withdrawal was a secret and surely he knew there was no way she would spread the details. Cole had strange ideas sometimes, although she had hoped he would have had some better insight as to why the Commander was so angry with her. 

Frustrated she stalked out into the night, heading as far from Cullen's tower as she could. She stood and looked out over the mountains, breathing the sharp air and letting her mind empty. It was cold out tonight, there would likely be snow soon and frost was creeping across the stonework already. Her fingers were idly tracing their. way down a crack in the wall when she was startled by footsteps behind her. She spun, jumping backwards when she found herself face to face with Cullen.  
"Commander! Sorry! You, uh, surprised me."  
He looked almost as taken aback as she did, his hands raised in front of him as if to ward her off.  
"Inquisitor. Sorry. I didn't not mean to intrude." His face was flushed and he would not meet her eyes. "Good night, Inquisitor." He was stiff as he moved as if to walk away.  
"Wait, Cullen!" Rin cried out, grabbing his wrist. He jerked back from her touch but she didn’t let go. "I'm sorry. For that night. I didn't mean to cross any lines; I didn't mean to upset you. Maker, I thought you were being murdered at first. Then, well, I just couldn't leave you. But I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I don't want you to be angry with you anymore." The words come spilling out of her as she tries to find the ones that will bring him back to her.  
Emotions chase across his face, she thinks she sees a flash of anger and then of pain before his eyebrows raise in confusion, "Murdered?"  
"I heard you cry out and I thought something had happened to you." She feels rather foolish saying it out loud.  
"I'm glad you didn't have the guards storm the tower to rescue me," he says, a wry smile on his face. Maker how she'd missed it when he smiled like that.  
"I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? Do you think we can go back to before? Nothing like that will happen again."  
"Forgive you? It's me who should be asking for your forgiveness," he says, looking down. "You should never have had to see me like that. The Inquisition deserves more from me."  
"You don't always need to be the Commander, Cullen. Everyone is allowed a break from that." 

She reaches out to catch his hand again, fingers brushing over his. His eyes close briefly and he lets out a long breath.  
"Inquisitor... "  
"Cullen..."  
"Don't. I-"  
She steps closer into him, heart beating faster. Reaching out she places a hand on his chest, he's not wearing any armour and only a few layers of fabric slide under her touch. She can hear his uneven breathing and he sways slightly as if unsure whether to step away. Instead she moves in again, her feet in between his.  
"Stop, Inquisitor, please. I'm not. You shouldn't."  
His pulse flutters under her fingers and she looks up at his face. Eyes closed, he looks almost as if he is in pain. She can smell the woody scent of him and suddenly wonders what he would taste like. Slowly, she rises up onto her toes, hand moving from his chest to his neck. He stiffens but doesn't pull away and she leans into him. Their lips touch barely and the hand in hers flinches before tightening on her fingers. His other hand catches her jaw, thumb running over her cheek. 

He leans in this time and the kiss deepens. It's warm and soft and there's the sharpness of mint on his breath. His tongue brushes across her parted lips and she draws him closer. Maker, she hadn't realised how much she had wanted this. They are both breathing fast now and his hand drops her fingers to grab her waist. He sucks ever so slightly on her bottom lip before letting his tongue slip back into her mouth. Heat floods through her despite the chill in the air. He pulls her roughly against him and she shivers as they fit together.  
"Cullen..."  
"Rin... " he murmurs back throatily.  
Then suddenly he is pushing her away, stumbling backwards.  
"Maker. We can't do this. Inquisitor, you don't know. We can't do this."  
Rin is suddenly cold again, her stomach twisting as she sees the look of horror on his face.  
"What are you afraid of Cullen?" She asks.  
"I-I-. You. You're a mage. I-"  
The hurt is like a hot knife through her.  
"Are you really that disgusted by what I am Commander?" She had thought the time they had spent together had been enough for him to trust her. Had believed that his feelings for mages had begun to change.  
"What? No. It's not. I'm not. The Circle... " He is fumbling for words and at the mention of the Circle a shadow crosses his face. "Things happened there. I am not...I'm not the man you think I am."  
"Tell me then Cullen, tell me who you are."  
"I can't! Maker, you deserve better Inquisitor. Just keep away from me please."  
He is almost yelling now and she is sure she can see the glint of tears in eyes. She tries to reach out to catch his hand again but he snatches his arm away and steps clear.  
"Stop. Just... Stop." His voice definitely breaks as strides away from her, slipping into the darkness. 

Confused and lost, she slid slowly down against the wall. The stone was cold against her back, erasing the warmth of Cullen's arms. She was a mage, there was no way she could change that, and apparently that wasn't something he could not live with. Had their friendship, if you could call it that, been a lie then? Was he constantly wary of her, waiting for her to turn and kill him? Her lips still burned but now they tasted only the salt of her tears. He had kissed her back. She hadn't imagined that, for one beautiful moment he had kissed her back. Her fist slammed into the ground beside her, sparks flying. Why had he done that? In that moment every feeling she had so carefully buried had come free. She wanted more. She wanted him like she hadn't wanted anyone in such a long time. Maker curse him. Why had he kissed her back? 

***

The next evening, she found herself in the tavern with Bull and the Chargers. They were celebrating some small victory on the Storm Coast and she was trying her best to join in on the merriment. She was several drinks behind though and kept getting lost in conversations, confused whenever someone asked her a question.  
"Hey, boss, come talk with me for a minute?" Bull was pushing himself away from the table and gently tugging her with him. He guided her up the stairs to a quiet corner.  
"Sit down boss and tell me what it is that's got you acting like your favourite mabari has just died."  
"It's nothing Bull, I'm just tired."  
"Come on boss, we both know that's a load of horseshit."  
"I can't Bull."  
"Trust me, Inquisitor." Bull's voice is an insistent growl, his Ben Hassrath training showing.  
"I do, I do..." She sighs, it was probably easier just to talk to him. Maybe he would have some sort of solution for her.  
"I'm listening."  
"It's Cullen."  
"Hmm. What has Curly done now?"

Rin looks away, trying to work out where to start. She can't get the memory of his lips on hers, or the feel of him against her in the dark, out of her mind. Her eyes prickle, threatening tears. Dammit. She needs to pull herself together.  
"Boss. What happened?"  
"The other night, I... We... He…" Breaking off, she shakes her head, this is ridiculous.  
"Did he hurt you?" There is a sharp edge to Bull's voice and he's leaning in close to look at her.  
"No. Well... Not like that." Slowly, with much prodding from him, she tells him the whole story from the night in Cullen's tower to their kiss on the battlements.  
"Wow chief. He's more of an idiot than I thought."  
"I'm pretty sure I'm the idiot, Bull."  
"No chief, you're anything but. Listen to me." One of his huge, calloused hands was resting gently on her arm. "I don't know what is going on inside that thick skull of his. Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it doesn't make sense. You've done nothing wrong boss. Seems to me that he's too afraid to see what's in front of his nose."  
"What do I do? I just want things back the way they were."  
"Is that really what you want boss?"  
"No. No it's not. But it's better than what I've got right now."  
"Oh boss. You've just got to hope that Cullen comes to his senses. Until then..." Bull gives the most ridiculous wiggle of his eyebrows.  
"I, ugh, appreciate the offer." She says, laughing.  
"It always stands for you, boss. Now, let's go get you nicely drunk." He slaps her on the shoulder.  
"That sounds excellent."

***  
Adamant was hell. The journey through the fade was one of the most terrifying things she had ever endured. Choosing between Hawke and Alistair had been even worse. She stepped out of that rift exhausted and broken into absolute chaos. Everyone needed the Inquisitor to make decisions for them, to bring order. So she did. She pulled herself upright and dealt with the Wardens, gave commands to her soldiers, answered her advisors’ endless questions. All the while wanting to sink down onto the ground and cry.

As orders were given and the others began to move away, she was finally able to let her mask slip. Every part of her body ached and she felt so unbelievably tired. She tried to take a step towards the camp, wanting to collapse into her tent, and felt her legs weak under her. Stumbling she was trying to catch herself when she felt strong hands on her waist.  
"I've got you Inquisitor. Can you walk?" Cullen's low voice in her ear sent a shiver through her, not helping the weakness in her legs. She nodded once, leaning into him for support. "Nice and slowly then, that's great," he muttered as they passed through groups of soldiers. He kept her as upright as possible, trying not to make it obvious how much help he was giving her. Even with him taking most of her weight she was still struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Once they were out of the fort and into the camp, he looked around into the darkening evening. Seeing that no one was nearby he shifted his grip and asked, "Will I hurt you if I pick you up?"  
"No... Commander, I'm... Commander!" She cried out weakly as he swung her into his arms, too tired to protest much. He just shook his head and kept on walking, doing his best not to jostle her too much. 

Eventually they make it to the tent that had been set aside for her and he lays her gently down on the pallet. For a second his fingers catch in the loose strands of her hair and he brushes them away absentmindedly. Catching himself, he pulls away quickly, nodding to her.  
"Inquisitor," he says formally and turns to leave.  
"Wait... Commander," her voice catches slightly in her throat. "Cullen..." it is almost a whisper, a plea. "Please. Stay. I can't. I don't want to be alone right now. Please."  
He looks back, his face unreadable, "I shouldn't."  
That is too much for Rin, the events of the day plus the weeks of tension between them crash over her. Everything she was holding onto slips away and tears begin to fall thick and fast. Ashamed she tries to cover her face and turn away from him. In an instant he is at her side, a jumble of emotions crossing his eyes.  
"I'm here. Oh, Rin... I'm sorry. I'm here," he murmurs like a prayer. He is on the ground beside her, touching her softly, catching the tears on her cheeks with his knuckles. Holding her trembling form to his.  
"I'm here. You're going to be okay." He casts around as if unsure what to do next. "Okay, okay. Let's get you out of this and warm."

He begins unbuckling her armour, practised fingers removing each piece. She doesn't have the energy to object or even to help him. Instead just lays against him, trying to find some sort of reassurance in the solidity of him. Nothing feels quite real anymore, everything has a strange cast to it since leaving the Fade as if it might suddenly vanish. Once he has her free of it he pulls blankets from the pile next to him, wrapping her shivering body tight. The fabric is rough against her skin and she focuses on that. Trying to remind herself that she is back in reality. His plate comes off next and he lies beside her, fitting himself against her as if he could shield her from the evils of the world. He puts his arms tight around her and she presses herself back into him. She hates how safe she feels against him.  
"Cullen?" She sobs.  
"Shh. What is it?"  
"I was so afraid Cullen."  
"It's over now."  
"But it's not really is it? And we lost Hawke. How could I have to make that choice? Varric..."  
"Knows that Hawke sacrificed her life to save many."  
"I don't want to lose anyone else, Cullen."  
"I know."  
"I don't want to lose you," she breathes. The admission slips out of her, so quietly she wasn't even sure he could hear it. Then she feels his whole body tense against her and she worries she has gone too far. "Cullen, I..." she searches for something to say. 

For a moment neither of them move or speak and then she feels his arm tighten around her. He turns her over to face him, propped up on his other elbow, looking down at her. She stops breathing for a second as she takes in his face, shadowed in the light of the single lantern. He almost doesn't look real, the scar above his lip shining silver and his curls falling loose. Instinctively she reaches out to touch him, fingertips rasping over the stubble on his cheeks. He is not a dream, he is real, here with her for now. There is a moment where he looks like he might turn away before his face sets, determined.  
"I don't want to lose you either. I couldn't bear it," his voice is harsh.  
Then, before she can even think, his lips are on hers and she is kissing him back. It is rough and desperate, as if they are trying to say everything that has gone unspoken between them at once. Her hands go to his shoulders, pulling him closer and she gasps as his kisses move to trace across her jaw and down her neck. 

She wants more and, with her hand on his cheek, finds his lips again, tongue slipping between them. He lets out his own small moan at that, a sound that sends heat flowing through her. Kissing him again was everything she'd hoped for, he was firm and yielding all at once, tongue dancing against hers. His teeth catch lightly at her bottom lip and her back arches, hips pressing against him in response. She wants to feel nothing but him, to lose herself in him. To forget.  
"Cullen!" She gasps out as his kisses leave her mouth again and began to trail lower, teeth scraping against her collarbone. Her fingers twist in his shirt and she grinds herself into him again. Breath coming fast as she feels how hard he is against her, heat pooling between her thighs. He growls against her skin and she feels his hips twitch in response.  
"Cullen... Please." She doesn't even know what she is begging for as her hands begin to scramble at the buttons down his front. This seems to rouse him though, as if from a dream, as he catches her fingers in his.  
"No," he pants, pulling back. "Not like this Rin."  
"Please..." She gasps, trying to close the distance between them again, needing to feel him against her.  
"Maker. I want you," he breathes. "But not like this. Not here, not tonight." He lets go of her fingers and lays his hand on her cheek.

He kisses her again, more softly this time, slowly and tenderly. Cradling her against him as if she were breakable glass. The heat slips out of her and exhaustion washes through her again. Her eyes close as he twines their fingers together, thumb rubbing slow circles over her skin. He plants a final kiss, soft as a feather, against her lips then lays his head down beside her. His free arm is flung out and his fingers are caught in the lengths of her hair.  
"Cullen?" she asks softly.  
"Mmmm?"  
"You said. I mean. Not now?"  
"Oh. Um, I, if that's…" His fingers still in her hair and the grip on her hand tightens ever so slightly. She looks across at him through her lashes, uncertainty written on his face. "Maybe... If that's what you want," he finishes haltingly.  
"I want you," she whispers. The smile that spreads across his face makes her feel a different kind of warmth inside. Closing her eyes again she presses her forehead to his and falls asleep in seconds. 

When she wakes this time, Cullen is still with her. Sighing in relief that he hasn't slipped away in the night she turns to look at him as he sleeps. The lines on his face are softer and he looks so much younger, the scar on his lip the only suggestion of the harshness of the life that he has lived. Without meaning to, she finds her thumb tracing across it and coming to land on his lips. She remembers the feel of them on her skin, softer than she expected. The burning heat they had left on their wake. Ever so gently she kisses him, lips ghosting against his, the contact sending a shiver down her spine. Groggily he reaches up to place a hand on her neck and pull her in for a proper kiss. It is so new and yet at the same time the feel of him against her is familiar and comforting. 

Too soon he breaks away, pushing her back gently and sitting up. She can see the change in his expression and is suddenly afraid.  
"Rin," he begins, falteringly, voice hoarse.  
"Stop." She grabs his hand, "Cullen, stop. Whatever you're going to say. Don't say it. Don't walk away again. Don't you dare."  
"I don't want to. Maker I don't want to leave. But-" There is a longing in his voice that shocks her. "I am afraid that I'll hurt you. There are things that you don't know. That I will never be free of. I don't trust myself. It's not right."  
"I trust you. Always."  
"You shouldn't. I don't deserve that," he looks away, as if remembering, pain in his voice.  
"Let me choose Cullen. Tell me everything that you're scared of." Her voice is firmer, she will not lose him now, "Let me decide." 

"Inquisitor?" A voice calls from outside the tent.  
"Just a moment," she answers, trying to sound calm. She takes Cullen's face in her hands, looking into his eyes.  
"Later," she says and kisses him fiercely. "Later you will tell me. Everything. Let me make that decision. Let me decide what is right."  
Then she gets to her feet, body protesting, and pulls on a cloak. Chin up she walks away, not looking back, the Inquisitor once more. 

***  
Skyhold was madness when they returned. Rin seemed to spend every waking moment for days picking up the pieces from Adamant. She'd spent a long night with Varric, letting him tell her tales of Hawke and drinking to her memory. The bitter taste of guilt lingered still, made no easier by the gruffness in Varric's voice as he pulled away from her embrace. Hawke may have loved Anders but her relationship with Varric had been stronger than most friendships. He blamed himself still and there was little she could do to convince him otherwise. Then, whilst she was still exhausted and hungover, Leliana and Josephine had descended on her with plans for Halamshiral. The thought of dealing with court intrigue was almost more than she could bear at the moment and she had nodded her way through their briefings giving very little input. 

It was after one such meeting that Leliana caught her arm as she moved to leave the war room. Cullen had been there and their eyes had locked briefly before his attention had been called back to the map. His expression had been unreasonable but she had imagined she saw want in those eyes. They still hadn't continued their discussion from her tent and he was still overly formal whenever he had to address her. Memories of their fraught moments that night caught her off guard whenever she was distracted. Looking at him made her ache for his touch, for the unspoken promises that his kissed had offered. She would fight for him, he just needed to give her the chance.  
"Inquisitor?" Leliana's voice cut through the images of his body against hers. She shook her head as if that could clear it.  
"Yes? Sorry. What were you saying?"  
"Is everything okay Inquisitor?" Leliana was looking at her intently, eyes searching her face. "You've seemed distracted recently."  
"Oh. It's nothing. I've just been busy. Tired. Everything is happening so fast." She realises how flimsy her excuses sound and looks away.  
"Are you sure Inquisitor? Is there anything I can do to help?" There is a softness to Leliana's prying eyes, the woman may be sharp sometimes but she could be kind too.  
"What happened to Cullen? At the Circle Tower I mean. When the mages-" She broke off suddenly, she hadn't meant to ask that question but it had just slipped out.  
Leliana was looking at her strangely.  
"That's not something for me to say Inquisitor. You'll have to let him tell you himself."  
"I... Yes of course. If that's all, I'll be going." Rin turned to leave, feeling foolish for letting her guard down.  
"He's a good man, Inquisitor."  
Rin spun back to look at Leliana who just inclined her head slightly. How much did the spymaster know? She suspected it wass much more than she would have wanted her to. Had that been an encouragement or a warning? She wasn't sure.  
"Is he?" She asked herself as she left. What had happened back at the Circle that no one was willing to tell her about? 

She sits in judgement for the rest of the day, holding the awful weight of lives in her hands. That night though, she manages to escape back to her quarters relatively early. Falling down onto the bed she closes her eyes, just for a second, trying to ease the pounding headache building behind her eyes. Stiff muscles in her back protest as she stretches out. She can barely remember a time when at least some part of her didn't ache. The covers were soft and warm and as tired as she was she felt herself begin to doze off.  
"Inquisitor? Inquisitor?" For a moment the voice was part of her dream until she realised that it, and the accompanying footsteps, were coming from the stairs to her room. Wearily she dragged herself up into a sitting position as Cullen's head appeared above the banister.  
"Oh Inquisitor, I didn't mean to disturb you. I can leave if you..."  
Rin drew her fingers through the mess of her hair, escaped from her pins, and shook her head, motioning for him to come in.  
"Is everything alright Commander?"  
"Yes. I hoped - I had thought maybe - Ah. Could we talk perhaps?"  
There was something so endearing about his awkwardness and the blush across his cheeks.  
"Of course. Sit," she said, indicating a patch of unruffled bedspread next to her. He looked at it uncertainly and instead took the chair from her desk, turning it to face her.  
"I am not sure where to start. I- This is not easy for me."  
"Take your time, Cullen." At the sound of his name his eyes snapped up to meet hers and he swallowed.  
"I want you to know that I do care for you. Deeply. I, ugh, from the moment I saw you I felt… In Haven, the demon, when we lost you. I... Then that night, when you-you-, ah. I told myself that I could not feel that way, that I could never deserve you. Even though a part of me secretly hoped that you could see through me. Maybe, maybe, even... Accept me. Despite it all."  
"Let me try, Cullen."  
"The Circle... The tower. I know you know bits. But not all of it. You need to know all of it. The mages, they turned. Blood magic. It was awful, the abominations." He stopped, closed his eyes and took a breath. "The blood mages, they took me and they, they... They took me and they t-t-tortured me."  
Rin moved as if to go to him, to try to comfort him but he shook his head.

"Let me keep going," he stammered and slowly he told her of the torment he had endured. The pain and the cruelty that they had inflicted on him over days. Watching as they slaughtered his friends one by one whilst he listened to their screams. How he had begged them to kill him so that it would end.  
"They wouldn't let me go that easily though, they wanted to drive me over the edge." Tears were pouring down his face now and Rin's hands were balled tightly into fists, nails digging into her palms. Rage filled her at the sight of his pain.  
"It kept going, endless, until the Hero came to clear the tower. By then I was broken. They'd taken everything from me and I felt like a husk of myself. The only thing I felt anymore was a burning hatred of all mages. I wanted to wipe them from the world. I couldn't see them as people anymore. They were the source of all my agony and I hated them with every part of me."

Rin flinched back slightly at the fury in his voice. He grit his teeth, clearly noticing.  
"It does not get better Inquisitor. I am ashamed to say. Perhaps you will understand why I was reluctant to, well... They kept me on at the tower for a while, I don't think anyone realised quite how much I had been affected. There was, an accident." He bites the words out with an effort.  
"We had some new recruits. Training. I was on duty when... One was learning a new spell.… It was, they were, the spell was too much for them. They lost control and panicked. The room went up in flames. One of the other templars tried to help them and was thrown to the ground in the chaos. The smoke, the shouting, the heat... I couldn't... It was so like before, it all flashed by my eyes again... I felt it all over again. " Breaking off again, he stares across the room, not looking at her. Chest heaving as he tries to find the words to keep going. Her heart aches for him and she wants to do nothing more than hold him against her. Reliving this is agony for him.  
"Cullen, you don't have to -"  
"I do. You need to know. All of it. I panicked. Like a wounded animal. And I leapt on them in the madness of it all. I lost myself to the hatred inside of me. When they found me, followed the screams, they were - ah - there were dead. Three. Three mages dead. No one was sure exactly how but it was likely at my hands. They told me it was okay; I was simply reacting to a threat. Sent me away to Kirkwall."  
"Oh Cullen..."  
"Even then. Even after that… I'll never forgive myself for that. But even then I couldn't see that mages were not the threat. I followed Meredith to start with, supported her in her campaign against them. Maker, it took her going insane for me to finally realise. Templars are quite as capable of causing death and destruction as the mages were. So I walked away from the Order. I won't ever be free of that though. Their blood will stain my skin as long as I live."  
"Cullen -"  
"That's why I am afraid. Afraid that maybe the demon inside of me will come back to hurt you. Not even that... You are a good person Rin, you are the Herald of Andraste for Maker's sake. You deserve someone better than me, someone untarnished."

Her own tears are falling thick and fast now, her vision blurry as she stares at him, not sure what to say. She is shocked, she can't deny that, she has watched Cullen in battle and seen his fury. She can't imagine that anger directed against an innocent. Remembering that night though, she thinks of how he cried out in his dreams, begging someone to stop him. Those memories still tormented him and it was clear that he hated himself for it. Could she really blame him, after what the mages there had done to him? Would she have been able to hold out under such torture? He looks at her and sees her tears, the pain on her face. Misreading her expression, he stands, "I am sorry Inquisitor. You had to know. Now you understand." 

Confused she doesn't try to stop him until he has crossed the floor to the stairs.  
"Wait. Cullen. Stop. I'm not..." Her cries fall on deaf ears and she chases him down the stairs. He's already out of the door and she's trying to work out which way he went when she crashes into a messenger.  
"Inquisitor!"  
"Please, just give me a moment." The hallways are usually busy and she can't find Cullen in the muddle of people. Dammit, where had he gone?  
"Inquisitor! It's rather urgent."  
Was that his hair, over there by the entrance to the rotunda, she arches her neck to try see.  
"Inquisitor! The undercroft is on fire!" The panicked voice of the messenger finally registered in her ears. 

***

The undercroft was indeed on fire, the air thick with smoke and ash. Soldiers were moving around frantically, carrying in buckets of water and sand, and stamping at any flying sparks to prevent them catching. Dorian was standing in the middle of it all, magic flickering round him as he kept most of the flames under control. She ran to him, calling out so he knew that she was there to help and stepping inside his barrier. Working together, they managed to push the fire back slowly, freezing the ground around it. Eventually only a few embers were left and the men ran in quickly to smother them. Fortunately, no one was hurt and, as the fire had originated at Dana's workbench, there was little other damage. Rin was very glad that Harrit had ordered the dwarf to relocate herself to the far corner of the room, complaining about her talking to herself. She thanked the soldiers who'd rushed to help and gave orders to have the place restored tomorrow.

Turning to Dagna, she raised an eyebrow at the dwarf,  
"I'm listening?"  
"Ah. Well. I had gone to bed. But then I was thinking about the gaatlok that the Qun have. Which I've failed to get a hold of. And I thought that maybe if I just tinkered with a fire rune a bit that I could create a similar effect. So I came down here to try it but perhaps my calculations went a little off. Okay a lot off. Rather more fire than I expected."  
"There will be no more tinkering with fire runes please. Especially if you're down here by yourself. Is that understood?" Rin told the rather sheepish looking dwarf, who nodded and tried to hide the blackened workbench behind her. Rin just shook her head, it was almost too ridiculous to be annoyed at. 

Dorian was grinning like an idiot behind her.  
"Never a dull evening in Skyhold is there Inquisitor? Here was I, thinking I'd just have a quiet evening walk. Perhaps this is why you don't see more dwarf Arcanists, no?"  
She laughs, "I suspect you might be right. Thank you for the damage control."  
"All in a day's work, your Worship." He gives a ridiculous bow, sweeping an imaginary hat in front of himself.  
"Very funny, Dor-" she breaks off as she notices a sword lying on the anvil next to her. It looks very much like Cullen's sword... Maker, Cullen! She had almost forgotten him in the chaos. She needed to find him now before it was too late.  
"Rin? My dear, is everything alright?" The smile had slipped from Dorian's face and he was looking at her in concern.  
"Yes. No. I'm sorry. I really need to leave." She trips over her words, already starting to run towards the exit. 

Please let me find him she prays, dashing through the halls. Let him be in his tower, Maker, have him listen to me. The demons of his past hadn't been enough to erase the thrill that had gone through her when he'd told her that he cared for her. She wasn't going to let him slip through her fingers again because of his own self-righteousness. It was full dark outside as she clattered through a door onto the walls, the business in the undercroft had taken much longer than she had thought. She arrived at his door breathless and fell against it pounding her fist against the wood.  
"I'm coming, I'm coming. What in Maker's name is it?" Cullen's irritated voice comes from inside. As soon as he opens the door she is on him, pushing him backwards into the room and kicking the door closed behind her. She has clearly woken him, his hair is rumpled and he's hastily trying to button a shirt over threadbare breeches.  
"Inquisitor!" His yelp is somewhat undignified.  
"Don't you dare walk away from me again Cullen Rutherford," her voice is low and rough from the smoke. Then she has her arms around his neck and is kissing him. Lips urgent against his, fingers tightening on his arms. He stumbles back slightly before catching himself on the edge of his desk, hands automatically going to her waist. He opens his mouth as if to protest and she slips her tongue in past parted lips, muffling his words. She lets the frenzied kiss continue a little longer before pulling away, lest she forget what it was she needed to say. 

"I am not afraid of you Cullen," she says, placing her hand on his bare chest, right over his heart. She can feel it pounding under his skin as she tilts his chin to look straight into his golden eyes.  
"I care for you too Cullen, I think I have done since the moment I met you. I always knew you had a past. And I'll admit is a terrible past." He flinches lightly under her, trying to look away but she holds his gaze.  
"Awful things have happened to you Cullen. You did awful things in return. That is never going to go away. But I have seen how much you regret it all, I know how much it hurts you. You are not that man anymore Cullen. You are a good man. How long are you going to make yourself pay for what you have done?"  
One of his hands has gone to her cheek, his expression almost unbelieving as she goes on.  
"I trust you Cullen. I would trust you with my life. Maker, I already have. I must owe you my life ten times over."  
She steps closer, and kisses him again. Lips barely brushing against his, a promise.  
"I don't want to do this alone Cullen. I want you by my side. If I'd known how you felt, since Haven, I... I don't want to waste any more time. Maker knows what's going to happen to us. I want you. Despite everything, because of everything, I want you."  
This time it is him who catches her off guard, mouth hot and desperate. Fingers tightening in her hair as if he is afraid she isn't real.  
"Thank you. Rin, thank you. I..." The rest of his words are lost against her lips. His hands grab her hips and with a grunt he pulls her against him until she is lifted off the floor. He spins her round, reversing their positions, so that she is perched on the edge of his desk. Her legs wrap reflexively around his hips, fire spreading where his body fits against hers. This frees his hands and they begin to roam insistently. Tongue tracing hot lines down her neck he kisses as much of her as he can, making her shiver. Pausing, he pulls away and looks at her with a raised eyebrow.  
"Why on earth do you taste like soot?"  
"Oh, the undercroft was on fire."  
"What?" He asks, startled, nearly unseating her  
"It's fine, Dagna just won't be playing with fire for a while."  
"How do you manage to get yourself into quite so much trouble?" That wonderful half smile is back as he shakes his head at her.  
"I don't know, but I quite like this kind of trouble."  
He laughs and kisses her again, slowly, as if he wants to remember every detail of it. 

She shifts slightly against him and upsets a stack of reports next to her, sending a flurry of paper to the floor.  
"Oh shit."  
"Hold on," he says, laughing again, and pushes them away from the table. He is gripping her tight with one arm and she marvels at the ease with which he holds her.  
"Cullen, oh!" He's grabbed onto the ladder and is climbing, one hand on the rungs. The motion is disconcerting and she buries her head in his shoulder so as not to look down. It takes him no time at all to climb up although he has to juggle her slightly on his hip to get up onto the landing. He drops her gently on his bed, lowering himself down next to her.  
"Hello," he whispers, looking at her in a way that makes her feel dizzy.  
"Hello," she whispers back fingers catching his.  
They kiss for a while more until she pulls away, remembering something.  
"Cullen?"  
"Hmm?"  
"That night, at Adamant, why did you stay?"  
"Oh. Er. It wasn't really meant to happen like that. I, ugh, had a talk with Bull you see." He looks somewhat abashed.  
"A talk. With Bull?"  
"Well, yes, there wasn't a lot of talking to begin with. He threw a chair at my head. Apparently you were quite upset."  
"Oh, sorry about that, " she says, grimacing. She wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of the Iron Bull when he was angry.  
"Indeed. There were also some very creative threats made about what would happen to certain parts of me if I hurt you again. Then after I explained myself he told me to ugh, take my head out of my arse, and talk to you. Said you were more than enough to handle it."  
"He was right, wasn't he?"  
"I, well yes, he was. Maker knows how. But at Adamant, when we found out that you'd gone into the Fade. I was so terrified. I didn't think you were coming out. Then you did and I didn't know how to tell you everything. I was just so unbelievably glad you were alive."  
"I was quite glad of that myself."  
"Fortunately I don't think Bull found out that I hadn't confessed as I seem to still be in one piece."  
"Again, very glad." She whispers, kissing him gently and reaching up to slip the unbuttoned shirt from his shoulders. 

He is beautiful in the low light, the hard planes off his body softened by shadows. For the first time she can see all of the scars that cross their way over his pale golden skin. Her fingers reach for one at his shoulder, tracing their way along its length. As he shivers under her touch she begins to follow the trail of her hands with her lips. Kissing, sucking, tongue running over the raised lines as she works her way down his chest. Her fingers hook into his waistband as her mouth falls to a jagged mark along his hip. His breath is heavy in her ears and one hand is loosely tangled in her hair. The tip of her tongue grazes over the old injury as she follows it down to where it disappears beneath his breeches. She tugs the fabric back with her teeth, stopping when he freezes under her touch, jerking back slightly.  
"Cullen, are you okay?" She asks, pulling away concerned. "We don't have to.. ."  
"Yes. No..." He draws in a deep breath and pushes her onto her back so that he's kneeling above her. "Just, slowly..." It's a whisper against her mouth that makes her shudder.  
He begins to undo the buttons of her thick doublet, hands trembling, lips exploring newly exposed skin. His fingers fumble hungrily at the last few buttons and he slides a hand under her back, lifting her as he drags the fabric off her. She suddenly feels very exposed as he looks down on her.  
"Maker, I..." He reaches out, brushing one of the swirling lines of ink that pattern her body. "I didn't realise..." His knuckles graze her breast band and he sucks in a breath, "Can I?"  
She nods and he unwraps it, tugging it free gently.  
"Maker, " he looks down at her, pupils blown out. "You're beautiful," he murmurs, taking the breath from her lungs.

Then, as she had done with his scars, he begins to trace her tattoos. First with calloused finger tips then with his scalding tongue. She had worried that he would find them too alien but those thoughts are erased as his teeth graze gently over her soft skin. She can't stop the cry that slips from her lips, "Cullen..."  
In response a rough palm slides over her ribs to cup her breast. Her fingers dig into his shoulder as his thumb begins to draw lazy circles around her nipple. She arches into his hand and he begins to tease the erect tip in earnest, pinching and rolling it between thumb and forefinger. His mouth is working across the dip of her stomach, kissing, nipping and she puts a hand on the back of his neck to guide him back to her lips. She catches his bottom lip between her teeth, tugging playfully before their tongues mingle against one another again. His hand drops from her breast and she mewls softly into his mouth with the loss before his fingers catch her other nipple. Before long he is pressing kisses across her jaw again, moving down her neck, sucking soft marks into her skin. Lower still his tongue traces and yes, she lets out a gasp as fingers give way to his eager mouth. Every rasp of his tongue sends heat burning through her and she can feel the slickness between her thighs. As he moves to her other breast, she grabs one of his hands sliding it down to the laces of her leggings. Blindly he fumbles the ties open, fingers pressing in over the fabric of her smalls. They brush lower, searching and he groans against her skin as they find the wet patch over her cunt. 

He begins to rub slow strokes, dragging the cloth over her and her hips buck in response. She's already starting to get close simply with him teasing at her nipples. Teeth rasping over them and then sucking away the sharpness. Grinding against him she tries to find more friction. "Cullen, please..."  
With one last gentle tug between his lips, he lets her nipple go and sits up pulling his fingers out of her leggings. Her hips twitch against empty air and she moans.  
"Oh, Maker, Rin..."  
Both of his hands are on her hips now and he starts to peel her leggings off, sitting back on his heels to ease them off over her feet. Then he has his fingers hooked in her smalls and those come sliding off as well. Almost reverently he pushes her legs apart and positions himself between them. His fingers trace up the inside of her thighs, achingly slowly.  
"Please..."  
He brushes a knuckle across her folds and she wants to scream at the touch. Maker, she can barely even think straight. Another maddening brush of his knuckles follows before he slips two fingers between her folds to run across her slit. She thrusts into them but he puts a restraining hand on her hip, holding her down. Once, twice, he strokes her before his thumb joins, finding her clit. He circles it before flicking across it gently. She grabs the sheets in her fists, breathing ragged.  
"Maker, I need..."  
His thumb continues worrying at her clit as he slips a finger into her. He hooks it inside her, pressing on the sensitive spot of her walls. She clenches down on him, crying out again as he adds a second finger. He fucks her with them slowly, stretching her and she rocks her hips desperately into his thrusts despite the hand pressing her down.  
"Cullen! I'm..."

Before she can come, he pulls out and let's his hand drop. "Not yet."  
"Please, Cullen..." She is ready to beg already.  
He just smiles up at her wickedly, the expression on his face sends another throb through her clit. Sliding back a little further, he spreads her legs further and then ducks his head. She fists her hand in his hair as he drags his tongue slowly between her folds. Long fingers spread her open to him and his tongue flicks across her clit. Moaning, she tries not to thrust against him as he sucks gently at the sensitive nub.  
"Please..." she gasps.  
His tongue quests further, sliding into her. She can't focus on anything but the heat coiling inside her. Insistent, he fucks her with it, occasionally returning his attention to her clit.  
"I'm going to come... " She moans and thinks she hears an answering groan from between her legs.  
Her cunt is throbbing in time with her pounding pulse and his mouth is burning against her. She pants as she feels herself begin to tighten and then lets out a wordless cry as she comes against him. Back arching against the bed, her hands clutch at his hair. His tongue keeps going, guiding her higher as she trembles under his touch.  
"Maker," she gasps and Cullen kisses the insides of her thighs, easing her back from the edge. 

He sits up again, pressing himself against her to kiss her. His lips are swollen and she can taste herself on him. The feel of his tongue against hers sends a jolt through hers as she feels the echoes of it between her legs. As he moves against her she can feel the hardness of him, straining inside his breeches. She grinds against him, earning herself a long groan. Her fingers find his breeches, cupping his cock through the cloth, giving one slow stroke.  
"Rin..." He grunts and his cock twitches, his hips thrusting into her hand.  
She tugs at his waistband and pushes it down far enough for his erection to spring free. Taking it in her hand she slides up and down him, twisting her wrist slightly at the top of each stroke. Running her thumb across his slit she catches the beads of pre-coum that are dripping from him. He thrusts against her again, a low growl escaping his throat.  
"Maker... Keep doing that and I'll spill right now." He's breathing heavily and she can feel him fighting the desire to rut into her hand.  
"Would that be so terrible?" She asks, smiling coyly as he pants above her.  
"Definitely," he says catching her hands and pinning them to the bed above her head. "We're only just getting started." 

She laughs and he kisses her again, slow and deep. Hands stroking firmly up her sides, across her breasts, down her back. He grabs her butt in both hands, fingers digging in and pulling her against him. She rubs against his thigh, finding herself wet again already.  
"Please," she moans against his neck, dragging her teeth down it.  
His fingers slide down across her mound and slip between her folds again. Teasing her clit, circling it, tugging it gently between his thumb and forefinger. She is gasping against his mouth, her little cries muffled by his tongue. He slides in two fingers, all the way to the third knuckle. He hooks them inside and then begins to scissor them. She writhes under him, arching upwards, hips bucking inadvertently.  
He adds a third finger, stretching her further and she presses her face into his shoulder to quieten herself. His thumb flicks against her clit again and her hips slam up into his hand, fingers sinking deep. He fucks her faster, setting a relentless rhythm. Incredibly wet, she wants more, reaches for his cock. He's unbelievably hard, twitching in her fingers.  
"Cullen, please... Fuck me…" She gasps and he lets out that low growl again. "Please..."  
He stops what he's doing and her cunt feels achingly empty as he slips his fingers out of her.  
"Cullen..."  
He pushes his breeches down, kicking them off as she reaches for his hips to pull him close to her. Bracing himself with one hand he guides the head of his cock to her entrance. Her hips arch up against him, feeling the heat of him against her slick opening.  
"Fuck me, Cullen..." She pleads, "I want you inside me." 

Mouth pressed into her shoulder, he slides himself in slowly. She gasps as he fills her, stretching her out.  
"Oh, Maker... You feel so good." He waits, breathing heavily, letting her adjust to the feel of him. She is ready though and digs her finger into his hips, urging him on.  
"Fuck me... " She begs again.  
He slides out of her slowly until his head is barely inside her. Then he thrusts back into her, firmly, at just the right angle. Her hips rise to meet his, drawing him deeper into her. He rocks out and in again, building a steady rhythm. She can feel every inch of him inside her and can do nothing but slam her hips up unto each thrust. He presses in once more and suddenly she's coming again around him.  
"Fuck..." He gasps as she tightens on him and his hips move erratically as he fights to stop himself coming.  
Slowly he sinks back into a smoother rhythm, rolling into her. With every thrust he rubs against her overly sensitive clit making her squirm. She looks up at him, his eyes half closed, and can tell that he's still holding back.  
"Harder Cullen. Fuck me like you want to," she says, giving him permission.  
He gives a wordless groan and begins to speed up, pounding into her. The bed slams against the wall with every stroke as he fucks her, truly fucks her. Each thrust presses against the exact spot on her inner walls and stars form behind her eyes. He bites his way up her neck, gasping and then moans into her ear.  
"Come for me."  
And at that she does. Screaming out his name even as he cries out hers, spending himself in her. He continues to thrust for a few strokes more, drawing out their orgasms. 

"Maker, Rin," he gasps and collapses next to her. Reaching to brush his fingers over her face as she gulps air into her lungs. "Are you okay?"  
"More than okay," and she means it, really means it. Her stomach flutters as she begins to whisper, "Cullen, I..."  
He interrupts her with a kiss, soft and warm, the urgency washed out of him. As he pulls away, he meets her gaze, eyes serious.  
"I love you Rin."  
Tears are falling hot and heavy again as she reaches for him. Fingers catching his, head pressed against his chest. Heart beating fast in her ear. This was Cullen, he was here, solid and warm and safe. This was real and he wanted her.  
"I love you too..."  
His arms are tight around her and she can't tell whose tears she can taste on his lips. It doesn't matter though, nothing matters. For tonight she doesn't have to be the Inquisitor. For tonight she has something more important. 

***  
Lying in bed the next morning, limbs tangled together, Cullen turns to look at her.  
"Bull, ugh, had some other interesting things to say." He is blushing again furiously, "He, ah, had some very specific comments to make about what you, er, enjoy in bed."  
Oh Maker, he hadn't.  
"He didn't..." She can feel her face going redder than even Cullen's.  
"So you really?" The shock on his face would be comical in any other situation.  
"I, we, yes." Maker, she was going to kill Bull. "The dragon, and then there was a lot of drinking and Bull. I was, um. Curious." She chokes out the rest of the sentence. Cullen's eyebrows were going to disappear into his curls if he raised them anymore. "Are you, um, jealous?"  
He laughs, looking at her, "That depends on whether or not you'll let me do some of what he mentioned to you." His voice has gone deeper and it’s not just her cheeks that are burning. He looks embarrassed for a second until she kisses him, deliberately grinding her hips against him.  
"We'll have to see about that, won't we?" She whispers into his ear.


End file.
